I've been thinking a lot lately about family. I grew up in the typical "nuclear family"... Mum, Dad, and the four kids (myself being the oldest, and hence the one with the most expectations on my shoulders). Childhood for me holds a certain nostalgia... even the fights, scrapes, and discipline reminds me of a time when life was carefree and simple. My dream was to be able to provide this kind of safe, secure family life for my children. Yes, I was one of those annoyingly boring people who wanted a husband, children and white picket fence.
My life played out accordingly. I was a good girl, didn't get involved with boys and focused on school. Worked on making myself a better person and thinking about where was best for me to be in my life. Then along came a boy.
Fast-forward to my thought process this week, and I've been sitting here wondering how I'm going to tackle this. I was listening to a song by Israel & New Breed tonight, and at the beginning he was saying that every season we go through is preparing us for something. Not every season we will enjoy, but either way, God has a plan for us in each trial that comes our way. I know this, I've heard this before, but something about hearing it this time really hit home. This may not be the greatest "season" of my life - I'm beginning to get sick of being a single mum (not a mum........... just a single one) - but there is still something in this, whether I see it now or not. And my daughter's family story is her own, and one that God knows all about.
So in the meantime.... where do I go from here? I often feel like I'm wandering around lost in the forest when faced with my own situation. I didn't grow up in this, doing the one parent thing is a completely foreign concept to me. I feel like I'm running blind, and there's really no manual to tell me how to do this. Please understand, this blog is not one of heartbreak or sadness - this is confusion!
I know some things, however, that I do want.
- Firstly, I do know for sure that my daughter is part of a family - we are a family. We are a broken one, but we are a family, and I know that I want her to grow up knowing that.
- Secondly, I want her to know that she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I did, but she is not a mistake. If anything, she saved my life.... but that's another story for another day.
- Thirdly, I want her to feel secure and safe. I don't want her to grow up before she absolutely has to, or to worry about anything, because she'll know that Mum and Dad have got it.
- I want her to grow up without a chip on her shoulder. I never want her to feel that she missed out on something, or her life wasn't complete... I don't want her to feel angry at the world.
- I want her to grow up with a strong, godly man in her life, that shows her how a real man should be, so she doesn't fall for the lies and flattery of men that only want to use her. I want that to be her Dad, and I know that he has it in him to be the best Dad ever... but I want her to be able to follow him too, and respect and learn from him. I hope that one day that is possible.
Either way, I cannot know the future. I entrusted my little girl into the hands of God, and I trust that he knows the plans he has for her. Her story will be different from mine. At some point, I have had to let go of the dream I had for my life, and my daughter's, and wing it in this new way of living that I have absolutely no clue about. It stings, but only when I'm thinking from the perspective of the dream I had for the future. That future is gone (for now anyway), and my future is now. This is my family, this is my life.
My baby girl, her dad, and I are a family. And yes, we are a broken family. But this is my family, and this is my story now, and it's my time to own it. I trust that God will carry me in the times that I cannot carry myself any longer, and I know that this season is preparation for another. I may not see it now, and I may honestly sometimes feel that I am lost in maze, but I choose to love every moment. Yes it sucks being single, but I'm sure there's many girls without children who get sick of being single. Yes it's tough doing it alone, but I'm sure it's also quite tough for kids in Africa who have to walk for two days to get dirty drinking water. Yes I am lost in the woods on this one, but there are people in far worse situations than mine who would never in their wildest nightmare have prepared for it.
So I love my little broken family. God has a plan, he's got this.
And I'm happy :)
xxx
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