Monday, September 20, 2010

On a "not-so-strong" Day...

So most of the time I'm really happy that I have my baby girl, and my unique and interesting job, and my course, and my wonderful friends, and a God to trust it all with.  But I have my not-so-strong days.... when the "single" part of this really stings.

If I could give any advice, I'd say don't have sex. Ever. Lol. Just kidding. Wait till marriage. Really.  Because these days, you really don't know who will be true and who won't.  I thought I had a catch.... he was sweet, loving, he promised to wait and he asked my parents for permission before dating me.  5 years of a relationship later, countless broken promises, and I eventually wound up in that category I previously wouldn't touch with a ten-foot-pole - the "Single Mum".  

I had one of those days today... the "why me", the "this hurts too much" day. It's on these days that I find myself listening to love songs with nothing but anger (ie. "LIAR!" every time a lyric contains a sweet promise). See, I fall into the even more unique category of being single from not even halfway into my pregnancy.  And that's when all the cliché's really start flowing:

"Once your baby arrives, nothing else will matter."
"Trust me, it'll all be worth it when she gets here."
"It's the most amazing thing... this hurt will feel like nothing when  you see her for the first time."

....and so the list goes on.

I disagree with all of those statements.  I've talked to a few girls in this situation - and I try to avoid those statements when they ask me for advice.  Because it ends up being nothing more than a band-aid over a wound, that just gets ripped off down the track.  Yes, the birth of my daughter was amazing and nothing will ever compare to the experience of her being born - she has changed my life forever. 


It still hurt that he never got to feel her kick.
It still hurt that he never saw an ultrasound, or came to an appointment.
It was still hard working while pregnant.
It was still hard having to explain to every doctor, nurse and stranger I met that no, Dad isn't just as excited as me.
It still felt very lonely setting up her nursery by myself.
It still hurt like hell that he wouldn't come to the hospital - and it made the pain of labour emotional as well as physical.
.....And my tears when she was finally born were I'm sure a mixture of happiness and pain.

This pain doesn't go away just because she arrived. What I found was that her arrival rearranged my priorities.  All of a sudden, she became the most important thing in my life whereas my relationship could easily take precedence previously.  And I very quickly realized that I had never - nor would I ever - love somebody as much as I loved her. And it seemed to grow by the day.  As she grew, so did my love for her.  Just when I'd think that it wasn't possible to love her any more than I already did, I'd realize that I loved her even more.

However, like I said earlier, it didn't detract from the pain that doing it by myself created.  It just put it into a different compartment in my heart.  And like every human being has from time to time - today I had a tough one.  And despite that, I still have to put that to the side, because my daughter wants kisses and cuddles and playtime.... plus food, bottles, sleep and nappy changes.  She's lucky I love her so much, and doesn't understand yet the times when mummy is upset.

Maybe it was just the weather today, but tomorrow is definitely a new day. 
Let's hope it's a good one!


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